Removing My Thorn

I love reading, and as of late I've been thoroughly enjoying spiritual books in particular. I've been reading the Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, and I have been drawing deeply from it's teachings. One such important teaching is 'don't close'. When a disturbance occurs, and you feel that tightening in your body, that threat of shutting down...he teaches to breathe into it and simply let it pass through you. Thus it has no power over you, it shapes no outcome in your life and it has no control. I've been practicing, and today, literally a few minutes ago I was gifted with an opportunity to test my growth.

I entered a competition, The Dinaane Debut Fiction Award, for which the winner gets national publication in South Africa, a cash prize and more importantly, professional support. My goal and my dream is to win this competition and to use it as a catapult for my writing career. I submitted my manuscript back in May and over the last five months, I've checked the Jacana Media website more times than I care to admit, always hoping for a hint of when they might announce the longlist, for some inclination, some sign that I might be on it. Well, today when I opened my email I saw one from them, and the opening sentence that I could read without actually opening the email read, 'The longlist for the Dinaane Debut Fiction...' My heart stopped ever so briefly before going into overdrive and I felt that urge to close, close the email app, close my phone, close my spirit to the news I've been dying to know for months. And I wanted to explore and document this, as I work to not close.

I understand my wanting to shut down as a manifestation of deep fear. I am afraid of the confirmation. I'm afraid of knowing and having a definite answer, because I know that answer either exists as 1 or zero, in or out, win or lose, shortlisted or not. And I think ultimately, I've internalised that to mean it's either I'm a good enough writer or not. And I'm afraid to receive that judgement. Now, if I am shortlisted then all is well and I get to kick the can with this issue, until the next leg of the competition when it will all come up again. So I am going to ignore that possibility and focus on the one that's tied to the thorn, because that's the one that needs healing. And regardless of what that email says, if I can honestly deal with this today, or begin to, I will be the biggest winner.

If I am not longlisted, it brings into question my ability as a writer. The part of me that's scared of the outcome believes that if I'm not longlisted, then I am a bad writer, I am not good enough and it creeps into the realm of worth. Then I am not worthy of the professional success I so crave, then my stories don't deserve to be heard, then I'm just another girl who thinks she has talent with big hopes of making it. It also means that embarrassment lies ahead, when the people close to me find out that I'm not good enough to make it. After their years of support and encouragement and it some cases, sacrifice, then they have to deal with the reality that it was for nothing. I'm afraid of them feeling that way, and this email has the power to tell me if that is a possibility, I think. I'm afraid of feeling like a fraud, because I consider myself to be a writer above anything else, so if I fail at this so convincingly, so early on...then do I still have the right to call myself a writer? Then I have to develop another part of myself to present myself as to the world because my truth will be too embarrassing when I claim to be a writer and have nothing to show for it.

Why is this all wrong?

Rationally, I know this is all rubbish. And I believe that by working through it as quickly as it comes up, I can make my way to the other side, without inflicting the pain of the thoughts I just expressed on myself, or at least limiting their damage considerably. First, I am a good writer. I know how to see good writing in others, I know how to enjoy it...and I believe, truly, that I have a gift for expressing myself in this form, that I have a beautiful voice. Second, I know that the people I'm so afraid of embarrassing feel no such thing. I think especially of my husband, who has read every iteration and has been a sounding board, who has given me space to complete my works even when it wasn't fun for him, and throughout it all who has been nothing short of supportive. I think also of my mother, who has also read and given me feedback, perhaps the most important feedback because this book was written in part for her, who has been my extension in South Africa where she physically printed and entered the book when I could not. I think of them and I think of how proud they are of me, because they have expressed that explicitly, as well as how much they love and champion this book- which they have also expressed explicitly. Given that, it seems silly and even foolish to think that they could ever feel shame when it comes to me and my writing. Disappointment sure, but disappointment because they know how much I wanted for this book and because they also wanted and believed it could achieve the same.

Feeling like a fraud is the tough one, because it's a self inflicted prison. There is no reassurance I can get from anybody to tell me it's okay that I consider myself a writer even though I'm not published yet. But all writers were not published at some point, and having that as the only criteria is one of the cruelest ways to punish myself. So I won't. I am a writer, a good one. And the outcome of this email has absolutely no bearing on that. It will not make me love writing any more or less, it will do nothing to dull my need to put words on a page, because that is my most direct connection to an expression of my deeper self, to the divine. I could never not write. I will never let anybody or anything threaten to rob me of my deepest joy as a result of an outcome I have no control over. I give myself permission to write, to call myself a writer, because that is what I am.

I am still a little anxious to open the email, which I will do immediately after this paragraph, but I am no longer afraid. If I'm on the list I'll be elated, if i'm not I'll be sad...but regardless of which way that goes, the one thing I will remain is a writer.

Noni

Here's an update: I'm on the longlist!