How To Have Better Adult Friendships

I'm just writing down some advice I need. Maybe it'll help you too.

As discussed in this post, I recently had a decade-long friendship end. It was a good ending, but it put a spotlight on the idea of friendship for me. It's made me reflect deeply on what friendship means to me at this point in my life. It's made me ask how I can be a better friend and how I can have better friendships moving forward. This post is a record of my thoughts.

How To Have Better Adult Friendships

1. Define what friendship means to you at this point in your life.

When I was six, friendship meant you play with me when I want to play. When I was sixteen, it meant you had to share all the juicy details of your dates with your boyfriend because your love life was our love life. When I was eighteen it meant you let me borrow me your cute outfits when I need them and by the time I was twenty-five, it meant please bring wine.

It meant more than that of course, and with maturation came a longer list of expectations for my friendships. An expectation of kindness, honesty, loyalty, of keeping each other's secrets, and of encouragement.

However, what didn't come was an explicit communication of these expectations. I think in part because I assumed my friends should just know what it meant to be a friend to me and what I needed. And that I knew what they needed. Haha.

2. Don't Assume You Know What Your Friends Want.

In a healthy relationship, nobody has to resort to mind-reading to know what the other person wants and expects.

They don't because the other person tells them. And if the other person hasn't told them, they just have to ask to learn. And vice versa. It seems simple and straightforward to the point of being obvious, but I'd venture to guess that few of us operate on these principles.

Most of the relationships I know operate on a 'silent understanding' that is often more silent than understanding. The trouble with this setup is that it works perfectly until it suddenly doesn't. Then, when conflict arises, it is deepened by a feeling of betrayal that comes from each person thinking the other should have known not to do what they did.

This 'should have known' phenomenon happens when we assume that someone knows what we expect- without our communicating it.

The trouble with assumptions is that they often come from our past. So if my previous best friend wanted me to call and discuss all her breakups in detail, I assume my new best friend does too. Then, when I call her to get ALL the deets, I'm offended when she says she'd like some space to deal with it privately first.

Assumptions rob people of their individuality. They make us hold new relationships to old expectations and patterns. I can't think of anything more unfair.

So let's just agree that assumptions are bad and the loving and mature thing to do in relationships is to communicate our needs and expectations clearly, as well as to ask for those we are in relationship with.

3. Inform your friends of your friendship needs and ask them for theirs.

Your needs:

This is your diva moment. I joke. But this is where you put everything we've discussed to practice by explicitly telling your would-be friend just what that role would entail.

This might sound arrogant and as though you're making someone prove their worthiness to be your friend. In actuality, this is a proposal. As such, it's a very humbling exercise because on the other side of that proposal is potential rejection.

You're saying, 'I would love to be friends with you. However, I've redefined what friendship means to me and I'm more intentional about it now. For me, this looks like biweekly calls and monthly meetings, being honest- especially when it's difficult, holding each other accountable to the goals we set and the things we say and do, and being deeply and tangibly involved in each other's lives....etc. So, if you want to be my friend, that's what you'll be signing up for. Would you still like to be friends?'

You'll need your big girl panties to own this level of vulnerability. But only beautiful things lie on the other side. You'll either get a true friend or you'll avoid getting an untrue friend.

Their needs:

Friendship is a two-way street. This means that it's not just what you need that matters, for the friendship to be healthy it has to serve both parties. So, after sharing with them what you need and expect of them as a friend, ask them to share the same. Then, truly consider if you're able to provide what they're asking for.

If for them, friendship means talking every day and you prefer to talk to your friends once a month- then this is not a great match. You cannot meet that need for them and you should let them know.

All that's necessary for a relationship to not work is for one person to be unsatisfied. So, you might meet all of someone's needs, but they don't meet yours. Or vice versa. This is where you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not that works for you. It can be easy to be idealistic and urge you to hold out for the perfect match because wouldn't that be ideal?

But, in real relationships, there tends to be a necessary amount of compromise. Compromise is not a bad thing if it's done thoughtfully. To do this, you need to consider what is non-negotiable for you in a friend and what isn't. Then, if your potential friend is willing to meet all your non-negotiables, but only some of your negotiables (and vice versa), this can still be a great friendship.

Just make sure you stay true to yourself. Don't compromise on things you consider non-negotiable. You'll find the people who won't ask you to.

When Your Needs Don't Match

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it becomes obvious that there is a mismatch between you and a potential friend. You cannot meet their needs and/ or they cannot meet yours. If this happens, don't panic. Knowing this is better than not knowing it because now you can put them in the correct place in your life and avoid the disappointment caused by my unmet needs and expectations.

It's Not 'Friend or Nothing'

Just because they can't be a friend doesn't (have to) mean the end of the relationship. If you like someone and enjoy having them in your life, but they can't be a friend, it's possible (and advisable) to resource them in a different role. Otherwise, you may find yourself throwing away perfectly good relationships which is not the goal.

Friendship is the highest of platonic ties and it requires the most of (and gives the most to) us, which is why not everyone can be your friend. But there are other categories like; a buddy, a colleague, or a going-out-mate.

Putting people in the right category will bring clarity and peace to your life. You'll never ask your going-out mate to help you grieve the loss of a loved one. You won't expect that of them. You will expect them to be game for the next concert/ party/ event you want to go to, and they will probably never let you down. Similarly, you won't expect your colleague to come to your dad's 50th birthday party. You'll expect them to tell you the scoop on the new manager.

Oftentimes, relationships fail because people put unrealistic and often uncommunicated expectations on each other. Categorizing your relationships is a good way to stop yourself from doing this. You can also categorize yourself in relation to other people, so you can better understand what's expected of you in certain relationships. You don't need to be everything to everybody.

With Friends, Choose Quality Over Quantity

Friendship asks a lot of us, and people who are really good friends tend to have few of them.

A friend is an advocate, a support system, an advisor, an additional wardrobe, a babysitter, a safe space, a listening ear, a teller of tough truths, an eternal plus-one, and so much more- and you are all those same things for them.

You couldn't possibly be a great friend to many people. It takes effort and intentionality to be a great friend. In the correct unions, we put forth this effort freely, easily, and happily. In the wrong unions, this effort feels like a joyless duty. It depletes us.

The exact number of friends that you need and can maintain will differ from person to person, but don't think it's a bad thing, if, at the end of this exercise, you find that you only have a handful of people you can call 'friend'. great friends. In friends, as in most things, quality far outweighs quantity in importance.

Conclusion

Good adult friendships don't happen by themselves. They are intentionally built by two (or more) people who choose each other and are committed to nurturing and growing the relationship. They rely on clear communication and loving effort to actively meet each other's needs. Adult friendships require adults.

I hope this post has helped you to examine the state of your friendships to decide which ones are deserving of that title, and how you can show up better in them- both for yourself and your friends.

Wishing you well,

Nonjabulo

How And When To End Adult Friendships | Joyful And Conscious Separation

Breakups are hard. I think this is especially true for friendships, particularly those we've had for years or even decades.

I recently had an 11-year friendship end. What I learned in the process is that it doesn't have to be painful. This breakup was honest, compassionate, and even joyful. This was a big deal for me because my previous breakups were not this way. Far from it.

In this post, I'll share what we did correctly and what I've done wrong in the past.

Ghosting: What I Used To Do and Why You Shouldn't

I used to be terrified of letting people down. I come from a cultural hardwiring of people-pleasing, so 'terrified' is the correct word. In relationships, this meant I never wanted to say something that the other person could receive negatively.

Things like:

• 'I didn't like what you said/ did/ how you spoke to me'

• 'I think I've outgrown this relationship'

• 'No'

I had a fear that if I said anything 'not nice' to people then I would be at risk of being perceived as a 'not nice' person and worse, I might risk the loss of the relationship. The problem with this irrational fear is that it kept me stuck in situations and relationships that no longer served me.

I had infinite justifications for it, and I was so good at rationalizing why I should hold on to these connections that I started to not see what I was doing. It's only now, in light of this recent rupture that I have been forced to take stock and see with new eyes all the ways this has played out in my relationships.

My Friendship Breakup: A Personal Story

I won't share details because they belong only to us, but I'd like to discuss the general theme of my behavior that contributed to the actions that led to the breakup.

My friend did something I didn't like and I didn't confront her about it.

Years ago, when we still lived together as university students. This was a big thing (for me), a certain transgression that I felt shouldn't occur between friends. When she did it, I felt instantly betrayed but I also felt like I had no right to that feeling.

So I swallowed it and forced myself to accept it. I convinced myself that not only was I okay with it, I even liked it.

Why?

Because I was terrified of having a confrontation. Because I did not want to risk awkwardness or loss of friendship with someone I lived with and spent every day with. Because I wanted her to think I was cool. Because I didn't want her to think I was not nice. Because I didn't value my own feelings as much as I valued hers. Because I lacked the confidence to set boundaries and keep them.

I don't blame my friend for believing me when I said her actions were okay.

I take full responsibility for my failure to communicate what I really felt. I do believe we had the discussion around how this was 'okay' and I remember telling her that it was. That it wasn't a big deal.

To be fair, as I remember it, this discussion was already set up as 'this isn't a big deal, right?...you're cool about this?' And I wanted so desperately to be cool (and cool about it) so I said yes, and I sold it really well. So well, as I said, that at some point I even believed it myself. So, I don't (and I cannot) blame her for believing me too.

I do blame my friend for thinking her actions were okay.

The truth is that I think my friend should have known better. I know I just said I don't blame her for believing me when I said it was okay, and that's true. I don't think she's should have known I was lying (even to myself). That's unfair and I truly don't think any part of friendship (or any relationship) should include mindreading other people.

However, I think she should have felt and known what she was doing was wrong all by herself. And then she should have never done it. It's a question of her personal ethics without anything to do with me.

When she did this thing, it was a clear indication that our value system was different.

That she could do that (regardless of what I said about it) meant that she believed it was acceptable behavior. I did not think that was acceptable behavior. I have never and will never do that to a friend. It's outside my scope of 'okay'. It violates my personal ethics.

This is not to say my value system is right and hers is wrong. It's just to say that ours didn't match. This is a clear reason to end a close, personal relationship. I know that now. I should have ended our friendship then.

Not doing so meant I moved away from my own beliefs. I had to in order to move closer to hers, which was the only way I could have let that be 'okay'. Thus the foundation of our friendship was shaky because it was built on a set of principles that pulled me away from myself.

Instead, I shoved down my feelings and they disappeared into my shadow. Out of sight, out of mind. Only to be triggered 11 years later and set in motion the very friendship ending I had avoided.

Do I regret how long it took?

No. My inability to end our friendship eleven years ago meant that my friend and I got to enjoy an additional decade of friendship. In that decade we both grew, supported each other through many things, and were of real value to each other's lives. I'm so grateful for that.

However, I can also acknowledge that the foundation of our relationship was never quite right. So, it was always going to fail. Sooner or later. The day finally came.

How it ended.

She said something that I perceived as incredibly self-centered and entitled. I reacted honestly but rather bluntly to it. She said I was harsh and asked me not to speak to her like that. When I sat with my reaction I also thought it was harsh and disproportionate, but the feelings behind it were so real and deep.

I realized that I was triggered by this action from her, and seeing her act (how I perceived as) so selfishly now recreated how she had acted so selfishly all those years ago. My body and my spirit remembered the hurt I had suppressed and it all resurfaced and asked to finally be released. This time, I let it.

We spoke about it honestly and lovingly. I felt shame for being upset about something so old, but so happy to be honoring the transgressed part of myself. She was shocked by it- I imagine she'd given these events no thought in over a decade- but she held me so graciously in that moment.

She apologized. She said she had not meant to hurt me and she had no idea she had. She apologized for other things she felt she needed to.

She shared things I'd done that she wasn't necessarily holding, but that had bothered or hurt her nonetheless. I apologized for them and for all the countless things I did and didn't do that probably required an apology but that I was too self-absorbed to even register. We laughed and reminisced. We dwelt on the truth that we were young and selfish. We forgave each other.

It was obvious to us both that the friendship was over, that it had run its course. For me, this realization felt joyous. It felt like, in her words, a graduation. I felt happier and lighter. I physically felt lighter like this had been a weight coiled inside me for all these years and I had finally released it.

I had finally learned something profound about relationships and now that I knew better, I was ready to do better.

Aftermath- How I've Integrated These Lessons Into My Life:

1. I ended another friendship that I had known for a while didn't serve me.

Similarly, this person's personal ethics didn't match mine and I had always silenced myself or tried harder than I should have had to to be accommodating of her views to avoid confrontation or loss of friendship. Even though I was quite clear that I did not care for the friendship. I had even started to ghost this person, hoping silence would lead to our 'friendship' fizzling out.

I instead confronted her. I sent her a voice note that explained that I wanted the friendship to end. I explained that I was evaluating all the relationships in my life, and I felt that (for me), ours had run its course. I thanked her for all kindness she extended to me in the past and wished her the best for the future.

She didn't get it. I think in her case I was not direct enough. I'm still a work in progress. I realize that it might take a few tries to settle into this new version of myself. I'm overriding a lifetime's worth of reflexes so I'm giving myself some grace. Not an excuse, but grace.

I will still expect myself to actively end relationships that I no longer want to be a part of and to be clear and direct about the reasons why. I will hold myself accountable. But I will also hold myself with compassion because confrontation is still a weak muscle within me that I am strengthening.

2. I had a discussion with my current friends about what friendship now means to me.

In each of my surviving friendships, I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. That we were both in it for the right reasons and that we were both getting our needs met. This meant discussing what those needs are and asking if the other person was willing and able to meet them.

It also allowed for a space for my friend and me to talk about any transgressions that may have been swept under the rug. Had I hurt them in any way, big or small? Had they hurt me? If there were things to apologize for, we did. And then we set our eyes on the future.

And now, from my experience, here's what you can learn about:

How and When to End Adult Friendships:

When To End Adult Friendships

It's time for a friendship to end when something has been done within the friendship that violates the rules of that friendship. If a line has been crossed that leaves you feeling transgressed; if an action is done within the friendship that feels wrong to you- all of these can be indicators that it's time to take action.

This action can be a conversation. People are complex and so are the situations they find themselves in. Sometimes a sincere apology and a subsequent change in behavior are enough to fix the problem. People make mistakes and your friends should be some of the first recipients of your grace.

If you think the transgression is something you can get over: bring it up, discuss it honestly, allow your friend the opportunity to apologize and make amends, forgive them, and move on.

If however, you don't believe their action(s) was unintentional or you feel their apology is insincere, or their action violated something so greatly within you that you simply cannot maintain the friendship after what happened (even after forgiving them)- it's time to end it.

How To End Adult Friendships

(this assumes you are the transgressed party, but it works either way)

1. Acknowledge the transgression.

People see things differently. And when you're talking about something from the past, people remember things differently. Own your version of events and speak specifically from the way you experienced it.

Don't say, 'I'm really hurt by what you did,' instead say, 'I'm really hurt that you told our colleagues things that I told you in confidence as a friend.'

Note: The way you remember things may not be right. You may learn that you had things all wrong and you are in fact, overreacting. Or, your friend may learn how hurtful their action was having not thought about or seen it that way before.

Regardless, truthfully sharing how you each experienced things is the only way to understand both perspectives. Then you will both have to react accordingly.

2. Explain why their action bothered you.

Again, specificity is important. Confrontations get out of control when the scope seems vague or unlimited. Even if they have done something like this before or even many things, this isn't the time to bring that up. Pinpoint why you are hurt or upset.

Don't say, 'What you did hurt me,' rather say, 'What you did hurt me because, as a friend, I expected honesty and loyalty from you. I would never share your secrets with anyone and I feel betrayed that you did it to me.'

Note: It might be helpful to think of this in terms of the apology you would want to receive from this person for what they did. An apology doesn't matter unless it's specific.

Would you rather hear them say 'I'm sorry I hurt you,' or 'I'm sorry I shared your private, personal stories with the office. Your told me that in confidence and I betrayed your trust and our friendship.'

Ensuring they give you a proper apology isn't your job, it's theirs. I just think this step often lays the groundwork for the level of ownership you expect. I don't think it's bad to set that tone.

3. Ask them why they did it.

Listen and try to understand. The key thing here is intention. Intention, and even a lack of one, can change how you perceive a situation. Here you get to learn if hurting you was intentional or not. Maybe they didn't think you would be hurt. Maybe they did and didn't care. Maybe they didn't consider you at all.

Assuming it's done with honesty, this conversation may reveal how much or how little your friend values you and your friendship. It may be tough to hear. Remember, hard truths are better than pretty lies.

4. Forgive them and ask for forgiveness.

There is no release without forgiveness. It's how you free yourself and the other person. If you don't forgive and choose to rather hold on to the hurt, it will build resentment that will keep coming up and asking to be released anyway. Holding on only prolongs the process. So, let yourself feel your feelings, and then let them go.

Depending on what was done, forgiveness can take time and you may find that you're not ready to let it go. You may get an apology that doesn't feel sincere or adequate. You may not get an apology at all.

In all these cases, it's important to remember that while it benefits you both, forgiveness isn't for the other person. It's for you. For your peace. Hopefully, you can forgive right away, but if not, at least commit yourself to continue to try until you can.

Now offer them the same courtesy.

Ask if there's anything they need to get off their chest that they need you to witness. Perhaps they have their own grievances that they've never aired out. This allows them the same opportunity to get the same healing you're seeking. Confession is powerful and important. Assure them of the safety of the space, and then wait and listen.

Note: The things brought up may be so old that one of you doesn't even remember the details, or finds it ridiculous for the other to still be hurt. If so, the likelihood is that they (or you) probably felt silly/ stupid/ not allowed to be hurt by the action when it happened- which is why they (or you) never brought it up then- and why they (or you) may feel even more silly/ stupid/ not allowed to be doing it all this time later.

Both of you need to release your judgment and replace it with grace and compassion. Consider that it must take a great level of bravery and humility to be owning up now to the ways you or they were hurt back then. Let them and yourself feel the feelings.

Acknowledge the hurt. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. Receive their apology and forgive. The point here is to walk away free of any energetic ties to this person, to walk away knowing you left the space between you clean.

5. Tell them why you're ending the friendship.

By this point, you should know enough to articulate this clearly. The focus here isn't on how they hurt you- you should have done this already. Rather, you're explaining why (even though you've forgiven them) their actions have created an eternal shift within your relationship that you can't reconcile with.

You're saying, 'What happened caused me to lose trust in you. Trust is important to me in a friendship and I can't continue to be friends without it. I appreciate your apology and I do forgive you, but I feel it's best if we end the friendship.'

6. Thank them for their friendship.

For better or worse, this is a person who was dear enough to call a friend for a time, perhaps a long one. Honor that. Thank them for the role they played in your life and all the positive things that came with their friendship. Specificity is as meaningful for apologies as gratitude, so be specific.

You can say, 'Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for being so kind to me when I was new, your kindness helped me fit in and made my transition easier. When my relationship ended I really leaned on you and you showed up for me. I'm so grateful and I'll never forget that.'

Depending on how and why this friendship is ending, you may want to keep the door open for future connection and support. Some endings are pure and good, and there is no need or desire to sever all connection.

If that is the case, you can add 'If you ever need me, call me.' However, only say this if you mean it. Do not offer it out of a sense of guilt or a tendency to cradle the other person's feelings. This is not your job and you don't owe it to the other person.

Conclusion

Friendship breakups are hard, but they don't have to be ugly. Try to remember that often, endings are the necessary first step to ushering in something better. This is true of friendships as well. I hope sharing my experience and the lessons I gleaned from it was helpful to you.

I hope your friendships are deep, loving, and true.

Talk soon,

Nonjabulo

Understanding Archetypes | Archetypes: Who Are You? by Caroline Myss

This is based on the book Archetypes: Who Are You by Caroline Myss that I review in part here.

I'm on a quest to honor the age-old directive of 'know thyself' and I feel like understanding archetypes, and mine in particular, is a great place to start.

In this post, I'll discuss the 10 Archetypes that Caroline described in her book. In the end, I'll share the ones I recognize in myself and how they show up in my life.

Understanding Archetypes (as Caroline has explained them in her book) has changed my life. It has expanded my understanding of myself and everyone around me by giving me a higher vantage point from which to view our actions and inner drives.

What Are Archetypes?

Archetypes are narratives that govern our lives. We all have narratives that act as the lenses through which we see life. We assign these to ourselves and others all the time. If I described someone to you as 'A great mother' or 'a Saint'. Or perhaps your dad is 'a Tough Guy' or 'a Hero'.

All of these labels are actually archetypes and they conjure up images in your head as soon as you hear them and you suddenly know something about that person, even if they are a complete stranger.

It's important to know our archetypes because these narratives can determine how we view and experience the world. They determine our inner drives, the unique challenges we are most likely to face, and the particular genius most natural to us.

In short, understanding our archetypes can help us to better understand ourselves and our patterns. It can help us illuminate the unseen driving force of our patterns and move us into a place of conscious growth and choosing.

It empowers us to live a life of our highest authenticity, potential, and alignment.

From my explanation above, I think it's easy to see that Archetypes are particularly powerful as an unseen driving force when a person is still spiritually unconscious or in the process of awakening. The patterns and circumstances dictated by their archetype will feel very natural from this unconscious state, which makes them the most dangerous.

"Until you make your unconscious conscious, it will direct you and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

List of 10 Archetypes:

The following list is by NO means exhaustive, archetypes grow and evolve as we do, so new ones are always coming in as old ones die off, or rather they evolve to fit the times. These are just the 10 discussed in Caroline's book and a great starting point:

1. The Advocate Archetype

The Advocate archetype is dedicated to social, political, and environmental transformation. She speaks out for those who have no voice and fights for human rights and environmental protection.

Challenge: The need to fight for the sake of fighting. Wanting or feeling that you're always right. The need for acknowledgment for the causes you fight for. Feeling personal worth and validation only through the causes you fight for.

2. The Artist/ Creative Archetype

The Artist/ Creative Archetype sees beauty everywhere, comes alive in front of an audience, creates and appreciates art, and is wholeheartedly committed to realizing her creative dreams.

Challenge: Overcoming the fear of failure and humiliation. Believing that you can make a living from your art.

3. The Athlete Archetype

The Athlete Archetype greatly values the strength and ability of their physical body. As such, they are dedicated to taking great care of their physical body, enjoys physically challenging activities, and is super competitive (but fair).

Challenge: To discover who they are outside of their physical strength and ability.

4. The Caregiver Archetype

The Caregiver Archetype is characterized by how well they take care of other people. They are compassionate and generous. They never turn down anyone who needs help, they serve as the family caregiver, and they see helping others as a calling.

Challenge: To extend your great care to yourself and discover who you are. To care for yourself as you so easily care for others.

5. The Fashionista Archetype

The Fashionista Archetype loves fashion but is not a slave to it. She always looks good and she helps others to find their style. She uses fashion to develop authentic self-esteem.

Challenge: To understand that fashion doesn't always reflect externally who the wearer is internally. To seek deeper, and dig past the topical exterior of people, situations, and things.

6. The Intellectual Archetype

The Intellectual Archetype learns for the sheer love of learning. She responds to life with her head before her heart. She looks closely and considers all the possibilities before acting. She cultivates wisdom to improve life for herself and others.

Challenge: To not overthink. To not live in their heads. To be in the present moment, rather than thinking about and recording it.

7. The Queen/ Executive Archetype

The Queen/ Executive Archetype is a born leader who takes charge of situations for maximum results. She commands center stage even without trying. She uses her influence to empower others. She looks her best at all times.

Challenge: To trust themselves to lead. To share power in intimate relationships. To listen to others and also take their suggestions and learn from them. Humility.

8. The Rebel Archetype

The Rebel Archetype speaks out against discrimination and oppression. She challenges injustice. She is untraditional and wears bold and daring styles. She introduces radically new ideas and thrives on making waves.

Challenge: To not fight for the sake of fighting. To not allow your Rebel nature control your emotional nature.

9. The Spiritual Seeker Archetype

The Spiritual Seeker Archetype trusts intuition unconditionally and seeks insight into who she really is. She searches for the true meaning and purpose of her life. She is committed to a path of spiritual evolution and she wants more from life than material success.

Challenge: To awaken your intuitive intelligence.

10. The Visionary Archetype

The Rebel Archetype breaks free of traditional expectations and rules. She acts as an agent of change. She relies on internal guidance from dreams, and an inner knowing. She looks to the future and sees what could be.

Challenge: To envision new possibilities for humanity and bring the future into the present.

If this felt like a teaser, it's probably because it is. There is no way I can summarize a book this great into a single blog post. You should read the entire book for yourself. The insights are immeasurable.

How Do Our Archetypes Affect Our Relationships?

Magnetic attraction is something most of us have experienced. I've often thought of it as fate or destiny. In this book, I was introduced to the idea that magnetic attraction is a complete animation of an archetype or archetypal magnetism. Caroline says that if the attraction is romantic, these two people are 'Archemates'.

Damsel Meet Hero

For example, I have strong Eternal Child (Maiden) energy. It makes so much sense then that practically all of my relationships or the people I found attractive and who were attracted to me had strong 'Hero' energy. I was the damsel in distress and they were there to rescue me. Classic.

My Archetypes

As promised, I will now share and discuss the archetypes I've recognized in myself and how they show up in my life. The archetypes are manifested in varying degrees, some are more dominant than others, so I will make a note of this as well.

While each of us can have many different archetypes at play and dominant within our personalities, I think that as you mature and get to know yourself better, this list is more and more refined.

As such, I'm sure that in time some of the archetypes I am about to list will no longer feel relevant to me or their dominance might change. Anyway, this is where I find myself in October of 2022.

Most Dominant Archetypes:

The Artist

I resonate with this one 100 %. I feel a deep need to create (through writing, designing and making clothes) and to share those creations with the world. I feel most connected to that essence of life that animates all things...when I create. It's not something I like to do- It's something I need to do.

This also comes out in a desire to do normal things in an artistic way and deriving great joy from it. Simple things like home décor (I repaint our walls constantly), creating outfits, plating food- whatever.

The Mystic/ Spiritual Seeker

I am and have been on a quest for deeper meaning for as long as I could be mindful enough to search for anything. I find this deeply satisfying and soul-stirring and when I uncover a deep spiritual truth, it feels like finding gold.

Caroline distinguishes between the Mystic and the Spiritual Seeker, where the Mystic is a deeper calling to what might be a topical and even intellectual pursuit for the Spiritual Seeker. I acknowledge the difference, but I don't know yet where I fall. Time will tell.

The Eternal Child

I resonate with this a lot. This is not a fun one to admit because this is where most of my Shadow characteristics tend to come out. For me, this shows up as not being financially independent, and how long it took me to fully see this as a problem. The Eternal Child in me believed that it was meant to be taken care of. By my Mom and family, then by friends, lovers, and finally my husband.

I think that in and of itself, being taken care of and allowing yourself to be is not a bad thing. However, in my case, it tipped the scales to expectation even though I wouldn't have accepted that truth until fairly recently when I did some deep inner work (a personal favorite pastime).

I was incredibly selfish, and because this was in my Shadow, this was subconscious which meant I never gave any of these people the option to opt into this kind of relationship. Before long, we were enmeshed and they couldn't have left if they wanted to.

In different archetypal systems, this particular type of female child archetype (and the way it has manifested for me) can be classed as The Maiden. I'll be looking at these other Archetypal systems soon.

The Other Side

For their part, I know by being so dependent, I enabled the other people in my life to play out their Hero archetype. We subconsciously validated each other.

Less Dominant Archetypes:

The Intellectual

Above I mentioned that I am and have always been on a quest for deeper meaning- however, I think I can accurately stretch that idea to a perpetual quest for knowledge in general. I want to know about places, people and things; processes and systems. I want to know. Teach me all the things.

The difference that makes this a less dominant archetype for me, is that I will let that knowledge find me, not the other way around unless in very specific circumstances. I need someone (who's very excited about the said topic) or I need to have the inspiration sparked within me by an event or something. I won't, for example, just wake up in the morning with a thirst for world news. Or read up deeply on the revolutionary war.

I bring these examples because I've been able to recognize these differences in my husband, who has The Intellectual as a dominant Archetype. He will do all the things I listed above. Then he'll tell me to do it, and that will be my spark to learn more. His spark is intrinsic.

The Fashionista

Yaaaassss! I LOVE clothes. I love how they make me feel, I love how I can style them to make me look how I want. I love how they can make anyone transform.

I think, however, that fashion has taken a back seat in my life as I've matured. I now care more about personal style and a 'forever wardrobe' than trends and designers. It feels like a strong beat, but one that's in the background of my life.

The Athlete

I love my body. In a physical sense. I love how physical I am and can be. I'm fast, I'm strong. I like to be in situations where I can utilize those faculties. I have always loved exercise- running, yoga, Pilates, hiking, and team sports of all kinds. I feel my best when my body is in its best shape. This is vanity, of course, but I know now it's also something more and I will do a better job of honoring it.

Well, that's me in a nutshell. I feel naked but in a good way. I think until we accept who we are we can never become who we're meant to be, or who we'd like to be. This has felt like a necessary first step.

Conclusion

I bet you now know me better than you bargained for, lol. I hope this article has been illuminating for you in some way and that it's sparked an interest in archetypes in general. I hope so because I'll be writing about them more in the near future.

Have you recognized any of these archetypes in yourself? How do they show up in your life? I'd love to know.

Here's to self-discovery,

Nonjabulo